Video Transcript
[0:00] Welcome to Caregiver SOS by Bay Alarm Medical. I’m caregiving expert Haley Burress. This is a special edition of the show — a roundup of the questions that come up again and again about the anger and resentment that come with caregiving.
[0:26] A lot of family members feel like this at some point in their caregiving journey, and that can make them feel like a “bad” son or daughter. But it’s natural to feel some anger. It’s important to note that your anger isn’t really toward your mom. Caregivers are angry because their lives are a lot more complicated and difficult now that mom needs more help.
[0:36] Family caregiving is exhausting. It takes a lot of time and energy, which means that time and energy aren’t going toward other people and other parts of your life. That’s tough. It’s hard when your girlfriends are all getting together for an impromptu lunch, but you already have plans to take your mom to the doctor. And it’s hard when you want to go watch your kiddo play their soccer match, but your mom isn’t feeling well and you need to take her to the emergency room.
[1:05] These incidents can stack up. And when you pair that feeling of missing out with the grief you feel watching your aging loved one decline, the physical exhaustion of caregiving, and all your other personal and professional obligations, it’s no wonder you end up feeling resentful!
[1:26] There are a few ways you can lessen some of that anger and resentment. First, ask for help from family members and friends so that you aren’t taking on the brunt of caregiving duties all alone. Next, schedule time for rest and time away from your caregiving role.
[1:36] You can’t effectively care for someone if you are feeling angry all the time.
[1:44] If you’re feeling anger as a caregiver — whether it’s an all-the-time feeling or a sometimes feeling — you are certainly normal. Caregiving takes a lot of time, energy, and money. It can be exhausting and stressful, when you’re already exhausted and stressed out from life in general.
[2:11] Anger is common. Talking about it, not so much.
[2:17] There’s this cloud of shame that surrounds family caregivers who want to talk about emotions that they see as being “bad.” But family caregivers are conditioned to think that they should be caregiving because they’re good sons and daughters, or because their parents took care of them, so they should return the favor.
[2:43] No one wants to admit that they’re mad about spending their own money on food, prescriptions, and other necessities. No one wants to talk about how they’re mad that their marriage is taking a backseat because of caregiving duties, or how they’re barely holding it together at work because they’re trying to keep up with their aging parents’ increasing needs.
[3:13] But the ironic part is that the best way to cope with all this anger is to talk about it. Bottling it up or feeling ashamed of it only makes it worse, and makes the caregiver feel more isolated. More isolation and shame can lead to more anger, which can sometimes lead to elder abuse in the long run.
[3:26] If you’re feeling angry, you’re normal. Talk about it with your partner or trusted friends. Say it out loud. Make a consistent schedule of appointments with a therapist so you can talk about it more.
[3:44] Another healthy coping mechanism to deal with anger specifically is exercise. Moving your body — whether it’s running around the block or lifting some heavy weights — can help you burn energy and get some mental clarity while boosting your confidence.
[4:05] Talk about it. Move your body. Try these two coping skills consistently for a month and see how you feel.
[4:16] Resentment is an uncomfortable emotion. It makes us sit with regret, which isn’t always helpful because we can’t change our decisions. We cannot change the past. We can only look forward and change our actions starting now.
[4:32] If you’re feeling resentful, first understand that your feelings are valid. Many caregivers feel resentment at some point in their caregiving journey. If possible, consider joining a caregiver support group. You’ll benefit from sharing your story with others who understand, as well as learning from other caregivers who have dealt with their own feelings of resentment.
[4:48] Consider working with a therapist who has experience in family caregiving. Talking through those missed opportunities and years can be therapeutic when done with an experienced counselor.
[5:05] Journaling can also be an effective way to process resentment, regret, and grief.
[5:12] Caregiving is hard, and it’s okay to miss that time when you didn’t have to worry about who was going to pick up dad’s groceries or schedule his next physical therapy appointment. This is not being selfish. In fact, caregiving already requires that the family caregiver put someone ahead of themselves, which is the opposite of selfishness! Sounds pretty selfless to me.
[5:25] So, no — you aren’t selfish. You’re just missing life before caregiving. That’s okay. You’re probably also missing the dad who didn’t have all of these health challenges and needs. That’s okay, too.
[5:40] However, these feelings could indicate that you’re feeling the strain of caregiving. Caregiver burnout is a set of symptoms that are caused by the emotional and physical strain of caregiving, and it can end up giving you sleep disruptions, depression, anxiety, and even a decreased immune response.
[5:55] So, take these feelings as a warning sign from your body, and take some steps to get the mental and physical rest you need.
[6:05] Ask your siblings or other family members if they can take over some of your regular caregiving tasks for a week every few months or so. This way, you can get that “normal” life back for a bit and come back to caregiving a little more refreshed.
[6:25] Caregiving can tax your own health if you aren’t taking care of yourself. Listen to your feelings and schedule that respite for yourself before you burn out completely.
[6:45] Like and subscribe for more caregiving advice.
