Sometimes, you are faced with caring for an aging parent you love and adore. You had a wonderful childhood and adult relationship with them, and you are struggling to find a way to support your best friend as they age.
Other times, you are faced with caring for an aging parent you don’t like that much. Perhaps they were an absentee parent, or maybe they were present, but were emotionally or physically abusive. Maybe you had a fine childhood together, but as you grew into adulthood, you found yourself arguing more and more.
Relationships are complicated, and they only get more complicated when aging and caregiving come into play. Here are a few tips for managing your complicated relationship while still honoring and caring for your own mental health.
Your Feelings Are Valid
Everyone doesn’t enjoy a fulfilling and nurturing relationship with their parents. No matter your reason, if you find yourself clashing with your aging parents, you aren’t alone. Your feelings are valid, even if those feelings are negative toward your loved one.
The first step to caring for or advocating for an aging loved one is to sit down and name your feelings. Are you feeling anxious or scared? Do you not really care what happens to your aging parent? Are you sad and grieving the relationship you always wished you had with them? Think about it, and consider journaling about it as well.
If possible, visit a therapist who is experienced in adult caregiving as well as complex family relationships. You’ll find them to be a valuable resource for validating your feelings and giving you coping skills as you navigate the journey ahead.
Set Boundaries
Once you’re able to name your feelings about your situation, you can better establish some boundaries for yourself. Hold yourself accountable by sharing them with your partner or a trusted friend.
For example, you might tell yourself and your aging loved one that you’ll only visit on Thursday evenings and you’ll drop off meals at that time. Or, you might tell your loved one that you can’t answer any phone calls after 7 pm at night.
If you aren’t sure what your boundaries should be, go without them for a while. You’ll notice when you’re feeling more tense, stressed, or angry. Then, consider what came before those feelings. Use that as a road map for setting boundaries that will help you maintain your mental and physical health.
Get Other Family Involved
No family caregiver should feel alone. Are there other family members you can get involved so that you aren’t bearing the brunt of tasks? Perhaps your mom’s sister can help out by calling her once a week, or your cousin who lives close can take your mom a meal a few times per month. Could your partner take over scheduling transportation for your loved one’s medical appointments?
You’re less likely to feel overwhelmed or resentful if you’re able to delegate tasks to others around you.
Utilize Other Resources
If you can’t (or don’t want to) help out with caregiving tasks for your senior loved one, there are community resources they can rely on instead. You can utilize services like their local Area Agency on Aging can point your loved one in the right direction for services ranging from case management to delivered meals. In addition, you can get your loved one assistance and follow-up case management through Adult Protective Services in their area, if applicable to their current situation. You don’t have to explain why you are not stepping in to care for your aging loved one if you do not want to.
Try Again (If You Want)
As your loved one ages and as their condition deteriorates, you might find yourself wanting to try to reconnect or help out more. Give it a try through a few extra visits while maintaining your boundaries. You might find that you’re able to have a different and more positive relationship, and that’s great.
If you find that it’s still not a good relationship for you to maintain, that is okay as well. Re-establish your boundaries and move on.
It’s Tricky
Relationships are difficult, and finding common ground with an aging loved one can be challenging, even if the relationship was excellent going into old age. However, if you had a toxic or abusive relationship prior to your loved one getting older and needing help, it’s going to be even more difficult.
Give yourself lots of grace and be patient with yourself as you process your feelings. Remember, you get to set boundaries that support your own mental and physical health.
